lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
