Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
