why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
