somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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