also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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