i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
