I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
