You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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