Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
