Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
