6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
we should paint friendship bongs
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
