So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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