i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
