i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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