that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
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the ceiling is raining jello shotss
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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