I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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