Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
