What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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