You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
