Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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