I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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