are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
