quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
