he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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