a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
