Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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