I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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