I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
