My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Edward fifth and chaser hands
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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