just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
