I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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