I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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