It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
