his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
