i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
