Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
