My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
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Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
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one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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