If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
