my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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