just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
did i just pee glitter
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
