Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
