I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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