"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
