can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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