How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
