I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
