I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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