Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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