I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
