At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize