I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
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Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
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My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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