if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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