I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
