a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
