The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My liver just broke up with me...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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