One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
