What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
