His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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