He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
