ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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