the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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