he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
